Editor’s Note: Someone recently challenged Alpha Male Ryan to a boxing match. He even bet our boy $300 that he could last 10 minutes in the ring with him. Alpha Male Ryan knows better, and has some choice words of advice for anyone who thinks they can go the distance with him in the ring. And, as Ryan is quick to note, it’s not a pretty picture. Alpha Male Ryan wrote this column while he was in a Florida prison.
So you want to learn how to box, do you?
And you want me to teach you?
OK, I’m an experienced boxer. If you get in the ring with me, though, what could be in store for you could come in the form of me running a gloved fist into your jaw. Consider yourself warned.
I’m going to explain to you the dangers of an amateur boxing an experienced boxer, and maybe get you to change your mind about boxing me – and instead have me train you, which is dangerous but not as dangerous as boxing me “full speed.”
When boxing, the objective is to knock out your opponent or to win by points. If we’re boxing, the objective is for a knockout – being down on the floor or mat for a 10-count – or a technical knockout (being knocked down three times in a round.) So boxing outside of the ring, without a referee, is obviously more dangerous than boxing in a ring or a controlled environment, due to the fact that I’m going to go for a knockout rather than for points.
Another factor in a match between you and me is when you’re boxing in a league, you’re paired up in weight and class … and if you take a look at my appearance, you may conclude that I have you by a few pounds. (I’m sure by now you’re reconsidering this idea, but I’ll keep going anyway.)
Due to the fact that my skills will be superior, as well as the weight factor – and the fact that the weight difference is mostly in muscle weight – you could end up getting hurt. Now, if you don’t mind pain, I’m going to explain some possible outcomes of boxing someone much more experienced than yourself.
Kidney punches are a dangerous outcome, and can vary in levels of severity. Someone who is weak and helpless (you, maybe?) can find themselves urinating blood, as well as a more serious problem, a tear in your kidney wall. Not good.
Also very common are broken noses, so if you’ve got a long beak you might need to be mindful of getting jabbed in the face. (On the other hand, if you’ve got a long beak, a broken nose might be an improvement.)
Also common, though not as common while wearing a headset and mouthpiece, are broken jaws. Very painful …. slow recovery – which, depending on the severity of the injury, can also result in wiring your mouth shut for the duration of your recovery. This also results in a liquid diet. Not a fun result, but a probable one if mismatched in the ring.
Also very common are broken ribs. These can be dangerous as well, as a broken rib can possibly puncture a lung. But even if that doesn’t happen, broken ribs are always painful: painful breathing, standing, lying down. Just pain. A weak, undeveloped core is sure to lead to an eventual broken rib, so start working those abs, or your skinny butt is in for a world of hurt.
A concussion is also an extremely likely result, due to the fact that you’re a far inferior boxer.
I hope this gives you a picture of the inevitable world of pain you’d be partaking in if you decide you still want to box. And, after boxing, I guess once you get a feel for pain, I might introduce you to the world of Mixed Martial Arts, which is a mixture of boxing, wrestling, Brazilian Jujitsu, and Judo/Aikido. This is quite painful as well, combining boxing punches (the ability for knockouts, as well as the other dangers that I’ve already described) and kicks, as well as submission holds, which by definition are holds which put painful pressure on the joints of your body, causing them to be forced into unnatural directions while your opponent screams in pain, and it eventually leads to your opponent tapping out as a sign of his submission. Fun stuff.
Putting pressure on an elbow joint is called an armbar, and if you don’t tap out in a timely manner, this submission can lead to your arm being hyperextended, tearing ligaments and tendons – not fun for the recipient.
Also utilized in Mixed Martial Arts are chokes, which will cut off your air supply and eventually cause a blackout due to lack of oxygen to the brain. I’ve mastered chokes, and these are some of my favorite submission moves to utilize. If you don’t tap out in time, you blacking out is inevitable.
Between my boxing and wrestling/submission skills, I’ve become quite adept at self-defense, as well as skills in the boxing ring. My recommendation to you is to be sure it’s okay with your wife or significant other, and make sure your health insurance is paid up. Due to the fact that you’re very likely much weaker, slower and unskilled than me, it’s not likely to lead to a good outcome if you choose to take part in these high contact, high impact, dangerously close quarters sports. It’s up to you!
But as long as I’ve explained to you the possible (and likely) outcomes of your decision to participate in these sports, I won’t feet bad if you get hurt (or not as bad). Now, if you choose to have me train you, the dangers will be lessened, as I won’t be going “all out.” However, all of the dangers I’ve explained are still a possibility.
Hey, buddy …. it’s up to you.
Contact Alpha Male Ryan at FreelineOrlando@Gmail.com.